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The recent experience led me to the hypothesis that coherence of worldview and coherence of self may be of use: it seems that if you have a lot of conflict inside you, chunks of experience become less interconnected and accessible (which is probably due to extra boundaries between parts of self, and those parts may be connected to many other memories, skills, knowledge, general experience - forming a kind of image of how to be “that particular self”).
Such an observation was born in a peculiar way which I call “try to ignore your intuition and common sense advice and try to think from scratch, relying on the external source of truth” which created an explosion of inner conflict for me once. I found stories about the experience in sects very much close to that, although mine was about love. It was a kind of “disintegrating self ” experience, by my own will. Nothing was worse (memory problems, apathy, seemingly alienated flow of my thoughts compared to my usual feeling of myself), I hardly believe that many people seriously commit to deep rejection of self.
Now I don’t try to cling to some fixed identity (never worked) but somehow I came to peace with the diversity of self and now trying to abandon useless fighting inside. It’s like I try to integrate pieces all together in some larger context and it seems to bring a bit more of a coherency on a metalevel, without fighting.
A fully coherent self seems unreal or at least requiring too much of thinking resources to achieve, but somehow the concept of meaningness really helped me to glue it all together (values, seemingly isolated experience, my behavior, and relation to others, such as friends). I think it is because the concept of meaningness gave me some tips on how to look deeper into things from different knowledge domains and freely find commonalities without fear of losing the precision of thought. This is exactly what I was striving for, and it surely helps to connect different experiences, make knowledge less isolated in its domain and bring more coherency to my picture of the world.
So it seems that we can approach coherency of self, but not to achieve absolute coherency. It also seems that there are more stable parts of self than others, and probably those parts can somehow merge together, or interact.
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